What's next?

What do you do, when you don't know what to do next? All I know is that I'm not satisfied with my life the way it is. Somehow, I don't think most people are. The only thing in my life that I am truly happy with is my man. He is the only person I know who seems to accept me and even love me as I am. The main goal in my life has always been to find the "right" man, whatever the hell that means, and now that I have that...what's next? Kids? A career?

Last time I wrote something on my blog, I said that in my next post (which I suppose is this one) I would quote a book called "Voices of the true woman movement : a call to the counter revolution" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. The book basically denounces feminism as an overkill solution to the way women used to be treated (and still are in many, many countries). I haven't actually made up my mind about feminism (don't tell any of the guys I work with though!) I believe that God created man and women as equals, but differently. On the other hand, I believe that most men do not deserve a "true woman". If a woman is going to let her man be the "head of the house", that man ought to be one heck of a special guy. I am engaged to one heck of a guy, but what about all of the other guys in my life?

For the first time in my life, I managed to tell someone that I think I am "awesome" (not a verbata quote) at what I do at work - advice I got from this talk from Sheryl Senderberg, COO of Facebook - hoping to get more pay. But I don't actually want more pay. Don't get me wrong: More money is always welcome! But what is it that people really want? For me, it is being valued and appreciated. And I don't get that in any part of my life at the moment, other than from my fiancé.

...and God, I suppose.

Whether it is right to be a feminist or not doesn't really matter. The question I should be asking myself is, "What does God want me to do?" And then whether I behave as a feminist or not is up to God.

I have no idea what God wants me to do, mainly because I don't ask Him. I'm afraid He'll tell me something I don't wanna hear. But I do know that my life, the way it is, in a way is just not worth living. So what do I have to loose?

A big glass of red wine

You are unhappy. I base this assumption on the fact that I am unhappy sometimes, so you must be as well. Also, stating that you're unhappy is based on a strategy known as "Design With Dissonance" (klick here if you want to know more).

Anyway, as I am drinking my not-so-full-anymore glass of red wine (hence the title), there are two subjects that have been keeping my mind busy of late - one in the last few weeks, although actually in a way all of my life, the other just this evening.

The reason I'm writing this here is because I learn better when I write, and writing online is actually currently the most reliable way to store your data permanently - once you write something online, it's there to stay, no matter how hard you try to make the opposite come true; everything can be found if you just look hard enough. (Great example of this can be found here.)

The subject that's been occupying my thoughts tonight is my abandonment issues. ...writing this I have to laugh; I've got so many problems (personal ones, not ones caused by other people) - why not worry about the more potent ones first, e.g. that I've gained 12 kilos in about three years, or that I've been going to school for seventeen (eek!) years and have no noteworthy diploma or degree, or that in the last eight months or so, in three or four (non-consecutive) evenings I've managed to drink so much that I couldn't remember all that I'd done during those respective evenings the day after. I also bristle at the thought of submitting to any kind of authority, and the idea of standing in front of a classroom is one of the most frightening things I can imagine at the moment (and I'm a teacher!).

...yes, I have not been blessed with the gift of "keeping-it-short-and-simple".

Here's what led me to the idea that I might have abandonment issues: I feel overwhelmed at the idea of folding laundry. And vacuuming. And doing the dishes (although this isn't so bad since I've figured out how to watch TV while I'm doing it). I've always attributed this problem to my laziness, and while this certainly plays a part, what got me to thinking was, that I'm afraid someone will be disappointed if I don't do those things. I am finally in a relationship with someone that I trust more than I've ever trusted anyone - at least since my cousin tried to scam me out of one of my favorite pair of jeans when I was about twelve or so (I think I was very trusting when I was little). With this guy, I feel more unconditional love than I think I've felt over the entire course of my life. Even though I've been horrible to him at times - nagging, complaining, lazy, selfish, etc, etc - he gives me the feeling that I can do nothing that would make him leave me. Besides Jesus (no, I wasn't talking about Him) I think he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I'm afraid he'll be disappointed and eventually leave me if I don't do the dishes...

So I asked myself: Where does this kind of fear come from? As most people do, I start by looking at my parents. They've been great to me - unfathomably generous, never-endingly wanting to help, loving, kind, faithful, and wanting what's best for me - I've been very blessed by having such parents. One thing I never learned how to handle very well though, was that they expected much of me. When I was little this was very easy - I was a quiet, diligent pupil and in those early days I actually thought school was fun, so I did well. After a while though, it kept getting harder to bring home those "6"es (e.g. "A"s) and after a while I came to realize that I couldn't do extremely well in every subject. The earliest memory I have of really, really not understanding what the hey was going on was when we learned how to tell time sometime in the third or fourth grade. (In my defence, in English you say "half past three", in German you say "half (an hour) to four"... That remained confusing for quite some time.) The more "bad" grades I brought home, the more keenly I felt my parents disappointment. I think they were just trying to encourage me to do my best, but in my mind doing well in school equaled love. Eventually I decided that it was easier to just go without love than to keep having it ripped away from me. So I just did the minimum.

In the same line of thinking, the longer I went to school, the fewer friends I had; I can't think of a single person that I went to university with that I would consider a true friend. Kids can be surprisingly cruel, so after being betrayed a few times by supposed friends of mine, I decided to close my heart off as much as possible, unless someone displayed uncommonly loyal qualities. (At this point I'd like to thank the two women I've asked to be my bridesmaids - I love both of you, not just because you're amazing, fun, and intelligent, as well as great role-models to me as Christians, but also because you've proven to be faithful, non-judgmental friends. Thank you.)

...so where does this leave me? Wanting desperately to be good at household-ish things, but at the same time afraid of letting expectations get too high and risking disappointment.

When you don't know what to do, and even when you do know, the best thing to do is pray...

What a shame it is when we struggle to pray, unable or unwilling to stop what we're doing--even for five or ten minutes--not realizing that in prayer, God actively intervenes in the areas where we're feeling the most concerned and stressed out.

That quote is from a book I plan to quote a lot more in my next post, where I also plan to write about that second subject that's been occupying my thoughts a lot lately. The book is called "Voices of the true woman movement : a call to the counter revolution" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

...I didn't write any of that for anyone else's benefit by the way, just selfishly for myself in order to order my own thoughts.

...bless you though if you managed to read through all of that! (And also if you didn't!)

Well, my wine glass is now empty, so before I go fill it again, I'd better head on up to bed. Good night (and good luck...).

Sticking with it...

A couple of weeks ago I was at a wedding and I ate meat, which, being a vegetarian, is not ideal... It wasn't on purpose - I just bit into something not knowing what was inside of it. At that moment I was so annoyed, I thought about just 'giving up' since I'd already failed anyway. I thought of trying to make myself throw up, but I didn't have the courage to do that in a bathroom stall with someone next door.

Also, I had,  at the beginning of this week, resolved not to watch any TV this week, and here I am, watching 'Glee' as I write (which makes it hard to concentrate by the way). And speaking of 'Glee': Almost every episodes contains some little part about some of the Glee-kids considering quitting the Glee-club because of popularity issues.

I tend to feel the same way whenever I resolve to be a better Christian, whatever that means, and fail...

...but after getting over my initial disappointment after biting into that meat-filled tortellini, I realized that giving up now would just be plain stupid!

They did not conquer the land with their swords; it was not their own strong arm that gave them victory. It was your right hand and strong arm and the blinding light from your face that helped them, for you loved them.
Psalm 44:2-4 (NLT)

I am a sinner, I am going to fail often, most likely, but the more I let God live through me, the less often I'll fail. And I don't think it's actually about failing or succeeding; it's about loving God and letting Him love others through you.

For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from before the beginning of time—to show us his grace through Christ Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:8-10 (NLT)